Pirates of the English Channel

Knowing that super folk hero Ronnie Biggs

 was on his last legs - and the name of good

old fashion British Criminality was starting to

sink to it's lowest level since the Lavender Hill Mob fooled the French - several old Etonians decided it was time for a new generation of criminal mind to emerge. They formed the 'Black and White Adder Gang ' with the intent to shame the current petty thieves of Oxford street into retiring from their Fagin-like ways. Yes, the Great Bond Street Jewel Hoist was designed to stop petty thievery and bring old fashioned moral values back into the London Underworld.

Were they working with Scotland Yard on this? We may never know. But what we do know is why and how they committed the perfect crime (Don't worry, when they get caught I shall change the word 'perfect' into

the phrase, 'near perfect!')

 RUSSIANS ARREST11 MEN FROM THE CREW OF THIS VESSEL...in the Atlantic - now? All is silent?

THE BLACK AND WHITE ADDER'S MOB decided that while Pirates were the flavour of the month, they would

execute the perfect crime with the perfect escape route. Using the Arctic Sea to escape the long arm of the law!

They used their considerable capital (Conservative Parent's inheritance and any money they could purloin from various Windsor Church poor Boxes) the band of felons equipped themselves so they could board the Russian Freighter

(The Arctic Sea) in the Baltic Sea. Armed with just their teeth. The Freighter a Malta registered vessel carrying nothing

but a a miserable pittance - a £1 Million cargo of Timber to Algeria. A ship headed south through the English Channel.

Once they entered the English Channel they disconnected any SAT NAV equipment so the ship would be invisible and authorities on shore were radioded to give the impression that Pirates might be after a ransom for the crew,

the Freighter and Timber. With the possibility it was bound for Somalia. A RED HERRING.

Once moored - very close off Brighton and in the dark of night they rowed ashore - however, before they left the ship

it was disguised as a Pier, knowing full well that people had lost count of the number of Piers that were in Brighton.

From then on the matter was easy. They stole a number of Vehicles for the raid. Their inside man - whom I can't name because of possible embarrassment - due to the fact he is a shamed member of Parliament ny over-dipping into

his expense account - this chap had already briefed them on the plans of the inside of the Jewel shop.

Although a few mishaps occurred during and after the robbery, they finally made it back to Brighton in time to throw any elderly and infirm Pier-Sightseers overboard and then head off back to sea,last seen heading - supposedly- for Somalia.

Will they get that far, or will they meet their diamond fence in Amsterdam first? That I do not know. But even if they

sold the goodies at half their value, the Costa Del Crime or perhaps Northern Cyprus may have some new permanent guest for some time to come - until the British sign an extradition treaty as with that current haven for hoodlams.

Best of all, more people will turn against the filthy Somalian Pirates and Petty thieving in Oxford Street will dry up

while usual criminal cretins try to plot bigger and better crimes. Then there's dear old Ronnie Biggs sitting in his

retirement home knowing that he left a legacy behind - and with the knowledge there will always be sophisticated

English felons and upmarket villains who (thank God) will always be trying to outdo him and keep up

 British criminal tradition.

POST SCRIPT: One month later - Russians recover vessel and all is hushed up. Rumors have it that the Pirates were

members of the Mossad on a secret arms delivery. No one is talking. The Russians may have kept the arms and

munitions and Israel keeps lips buttoned due to embarrassment? The mystery deepens. Only Putin has the answer.

'"It's not that I know nuth...ink.

No one ever told me nuth...ink!"